Gender Reveal and Pregnancy Update

We decided to do things differently this time around and find out the sex of the baby ahead of time.  This is a new concept for us because I am totally Team Surprise!  I love love love waiting til the baby arrives to find out if its a girl or boy.  There is something so special about that moment for me.  But this time the circumstances were different.  With already having two boys, everyone had a comment about how much they wanted it to be a girl.  Plus if it was a girl, we would need to do a little more preparing, where if it was a boy, he could just jump right into our tribe of boys.  Most importantly, and the reason I think I was persuaded to find out, was because Ryan really wanted to know.  He didn't care if it was a boy or a girl, he just couldn't wait to find out.  He kept saying "you know Mom, you can just take a test and find out, you don't have to wait anymore!"  So we did it, we took the test and found out.

I really didn't want to do the whole gender reveal party.  My emotions have been all over the place, and I didn't think I could handle dealing with everyone else's feelings and emotions as I was processing my own.  But since this is our only time finding out in advance we did want to do something special.  Mike picked the gender reveal balls that explode when they hit something hard, and I picked to do it just the 4 of us (plus a friend that came for video taping purposes).

Gender Reveal Balls from Etsy- Awesome!

I polled everyone ahead of time and we were all on team girl.  Based on how sick I was feeling, how awful my skin looked,  the babies heart rate, gender prediction charts, and how different this pregnancy was from my others... I was 100% team girl.  And it seemed like the whole world agreed with me.  I would walk past people randomly and they would say, "wow you are definitely having a girl, I can just sense it".

Surprise- We were all wrong!  It is a boy!!

I was shocked, legitimately in shock.  I really really really felt like this baby was a girl.  Of course we are excited about having another boy, being a boy mom is the best.  And watching brothers grow up together is really awesome.  And above all, having a healthy pregnancy and baby trumps everything.  But I would be lying if I said that I didn't also have a moment of sadness.  Not at all because we are having a boy, bring on the boys I would take 10 of them, but since we are pretty confident that this is our last baby, I had to mourn the idea of never having a daughter.  The hours after finding out was all excitement and celebration.  Then around 9:30pm it hit me like a ton of bricks that I will never have the daughter that I have dreamed about having my whole life.  The person to share the bond with that I do with my mom.  The daughters wedding to plan or the dance recital to do hair backstage for.  Also getting to see Mike be a father to a girl, and sending them off on Daddy Daughter dates.   Relationships are different between mothers and sons and mothers and daughters (same for fathers with sons vs daughters).  They are each special in their own way.  So I am blessed to have three boys in my life, but also sad not to experience the other side.  I cried for about 24 hours straight.  Which of course made me feel guilty, but an emotion I had to process to move forward with embracing our family.

I am glad I had that moment though, I needed it, because since then I really am back to just being excited.  What an adventure life is going to be with 3 sons!!  I use to be so worried I would never find a guy to love me (back in my sappy single college days) and now look, I will have 4!!  We are soooo blessed, and know that this was the baby God wanted for me and we can't wait to meet HIM!


In other pregnancy news-

I am so happy to be about 20 weeks and finally feeling good.  The first 16-17 weeks was rough.  I was so sick to my stomach every day all day.  I threw up frequently, spent all day gagging at the most random things, couldn't eat anything but bagels, and my I wanted to sleep all the time.  Plus I have the throw up every time I brush my teeth condition I had with the other pregnancies (unfortunately that normally lasts the entire pregnancy).  Luckily that has all slowly faded away and I am feeling back to normal.

The baby's heart rate has been about 160 at each checkup and the ultra sound tech said "wow that is an active baby" (of course he is, he is my son).   I have been measuring exactly a week ahead of my estimated due date, which makes more sense to me based on my ovulation schedule (thanks Turks and Caicos for helping us get pregnant!).  The official date on the doctors records is July 2, but based on my cycle and all the ultra sounds, the better estimated due date is a week earlier June 25.

Ryan has spread the news to the whole world, and can't wait to be Mom's helper when the baby arrives.  He practices every day and tells me all the jobs he will do once baby arrives.  Patrick has finally warmed up to the idea and has stopped saying "No I am the baby" every time someone mentions I am pregnant.  I think by July he will be excited and ready too.

I am starting to prep for actually getting this baby out.  I am going to prenatal yoga more often and recently reaching out to a Doula to work with towards the end of pregnancy and delivery.  We are also starting to plan Baby Boy's nursery, we are going with an antique airplane theme this time around.  Nothing major, just sprucing the room up so it doesn't exactly the same as when it was  Patrick's nursery.  Next on our agenda is to pick a name.  I am so bad at names, especially boy names (I have had Charlotte Elizabeth in the waiting for 6 years now!).  Some maybes are Harrison, Charles, Thomas, Andrew, Alex... who knows.  But I seriously want to decide soon.  I hate having that decision hanging over my head.   I'll keep everyone posted.
Life is good right now.  We are all excited and happy and can't wait to see what life in zone coverage parenting will be like!

We are Pregnant!

This post is long long over due.  But after our struggles this year, I was holding off on posting until we had more answers and were sure things were progressing and baby is healthy!  My last post was mid October, and a lot has happened since then.  Just a week or so after posting I found out I was pregnant again.  Of course my first reaction was one of hope and excitement, but it was very quickly followed by fear and anxiety.  Then within a week a week of getting the positive pregnancy test, we met with the hematologist and finally got some answers as to what was going on with my blood work.

The doctor results were that I did have a mutation of the MTHFR gene and have anticardiolipin syndrome.  As my OB suspected, my levels where high enough to put me at risk for blood clotting, and most likely the clots where leading to the past miscarriages.  The hematologist suspects this is a new condition, not something I had when I was pregnant with the boys.  I have a ton of questions, like why would I suddenly develop a new blood clotting condition, but at this particular moment my bigger concern was what can I do to help keep this pregnancy.

The doctor recommendation is that I need to do daily injections of Lovenox in my stomach every day til 4 weeks after the baby arrives.  This is a blood thinner that is safest for pregnancy, and apparently the common treatment for a condition like this.  I hate shots, and needles, and I knew I wouldn't be able to do the injections to myself... but you gotta do what you gotta do.  That night Mike and I started our daily ritual of him giving me a shot in the tummy every night before bed.  Its not fun, it stings, and its getting harder as my belly gets bigger.  But we do it with no complaints because we know its helping baby.  Thank God for my husband.  This is definitely one of those moments that I appreciate him even more than usual, because he stepped up without any hesitation to give these injections, even though I know its something he is uncomfortable with.

We pretty much told our family and close friends right away that we were in fact pregnant again, and taking it one day at a time.  We were holding off on celebrating, praying a lot, but still hopeful for a healthy baby.  I was kind of stuck in a weird funk.  I wanted to be so excited about being pregnant, to talk about it and plan for baby, but I was so scared to get attached and scared of getting hurt again, that I resisted all urges to just let myself be an excited pregnant momma.  I had a variety of doctors appointments pretty much on a weekly basis for the first few months just to make sure things were progressing.

The week before Christmas, I had a 12 week ultra sound and all the genetic testing blood work, and I had a follow up with the hematologist.  Everything checked out great, so we decided we could officially start spreading the news and more specifically tell the boys that they were going to be big brothers!  On Christmas Eve we told the boys, Ryan was so excited, Patrick not so much.  And then we let them tell all of our friends, family, cousins, as we saw them throughout the holiday week.  It was great to finally get to celebrate the new baby.

In January, at 15 weeks pregnant we did have another scare.  One night as I was getting ready for bed, I started bleeding very heavily.  I have it about and hour to see if it continued and see if I had any other symptoms (based on my OBs recommendation).  About an hour later the blood was still very heavy and I was officially freaked out.  Mike happened to be sick with the flu that night, so I called my mom and off to the ER we went.  At that point I just wanted to hear the babies heart beat, I needed to know baby was safe.  We spent the entire night in the hospital, blood work, ultra sounds, monitoring, and the baby seemed to be doing just fine.  The ER docs were not able to identify the cause of the bleeding, just that it was not a miscarriage or the placenta, THANK GOD!  He sent me home at 5am and told me to see the OB first thing in the morning.

I followed instructions and was in the office about 10 am.  They did another ultra sound and found that I was pooling blood in my cervix, which is why it was bleeding like a heavy period.  Long story short, for some reason my body was not reabsorbing blood the way it should, and it was causing it to pool in my cervix instead.  The remedy,  modified bed rest, stay calm and quiet and relaxed as much as possible, and give myself the chance to heal.  If the blood was reabsorbed, that would be great and we can move forward, if the blood continued to pool, it could lead to early contractions and labor as my body tried to get rid of the extra blood.  So on doctors order, I did just that.  I modified all my activities, asked for extra help from anyone around that could help, and tried to rest and relax as much as possible.  Luckily it worked, and the last week of January we confirmed the issue went away, baby looked great, and I could return to normal activities (as long as I still remembered that yes I am pregnant and yes my body needs to take it easy).

I am now officially 20 weeks pregnant!  Anatomy scan ultra sound looked perfect this week, and I am feeling the 2nd trimester high!  We can not wait to meet this baby in June/July and complete our family!

Next post... finding out the gender!  And other pregnant fun!

Our Journey Towards Baby 3

Right off the bat, this is not a pregnancy announcement!  It is actually the opposite, it's the story of how we have been struggling to grow our family.  It has been a challenging year plus on this roller coaster ride, and I am ready to get it all off my chest.  You never know who will find this post, that may be going through a similar struggle, and find peace in knowing they are not alone.

Almost immediately after Patrick was born, I knew our family wasn't complete.  I knew right away we would have another baby.  I didn't know when, but that is what I felt in my heart.  When he was about 1, I felt we were ready, but Mike and I had an adult only trip to Colorado planned that summer, and I really didn't want to go pregnant.  So we decided as soon as the trip was over we would officially start trying.  Leading up to that time, I tracked my cycle so I had a pretty good idea how long my cycle was and when I ovulated each month.  August 2015 we "pulled the goalie" and started trying for baby 3.  With both my past pregnancies, it only took about 3 months, so we were hopeful that we would be pregnant by the Fall.

September- I got my period.  October- negative pregnancy test.  December- Not yet.  And this continued for a few more months.  I was trying to stay positive, I know it takes many women a long time to get pregnant.  But each month we were disappointed to find out we still were not pregnant.  I never even considered after two great pregnancies that it would not come easy again.

In March 2016 we finally got pregnant!  I was soooooooo excited!  Shocked, relieved, ecstatic!  I had a cute little way of surprising Mike with the news, and he was more excited then he has been with the past two pregnancies (he always gets nervous when I am pregnant).  I think since we had to work a little harder for this one, made it a little extra special.

Everything seemed to be going well, I had morning sickness, peed all the time, the normal first trimester fatigue... all of my regular early pregnant symptoms.  My first doctors appointment was scheduled for when I would be 8 weeks, April 1.

It was at that appointment, during my pregnancy confirmation ultra sound, that we knew something was wrong.  The minute the doctor started the scan, I knew there was a problem.  I didn't see anything on the screen.  Not a sac or spot or anything at all.  The doctors face was blank.  There was no baby there.  But the doctor didn't say that.  We immediately started going through all the possibilities.  Maybe I was earlier in the pregnancy then we thought, maybe the sac was hidden somewhere in the uterus, maybe we should have a specialist do the scan.  That lead to a week of doctors appointments, blood work, and ultra sounds.  Long story short, about a week later the doctor confirmed it was a miscarriage.  My hormone levels were all great and growing as a normal pregnancy should, but the baby wasn't growing along with it.  After some consultation, we decided to do the D&C procedure that week.

Well we were heartbroken.  Completely devastated.  It was like the rug was pulled out from under us.  We were so excited and hopeful and happy to be pregnant, that we immediately got our hopes up.  We immediately imaged our family with 3 kids, we immediately planned how we would set up bedrooms, when I would go on maternity leave, how we would tell our families on our Disney vacation, pictured Ryan and Patrick as big brothers.  Ryan has been praying every night for a baby, he was going to be so happy.  Learning that we were no longer pregnant just ripped that all away.  I didn't know how to process the emotions.  Especially since physically I still felt pregnant for another couple of weeks.  It was a terrible loss, the sadness ran very deep.

The doctor said he didn't see anything wrong, he had no reason to believe something was wrong with my  health, and that we were free to start trying once my cycle returned.  So we did.

I got my period the end of May, we started trying in June, and I found out I was pregnant again by the end of June!  Even though we had just gone through that horrible experience, I didn't really worry it would happen again.  Seeing the positive so soon took my breath away.  We were happy and excited, this time we would have a health pregnancy.  I became an expert at pretending to drink at social events, so no one suspected a thing.  I could not wait to finally announce it to the world that we were growing our family.

We scheduled our 8 week appointment, went for our first scan, and got the bad news again.  This time we saw the sac trying to grow, the baby got to about 6 weeks before it stopped growing.  I did the blood work and scans and appointments just like we did in April.  All with the same results.  Another miscarriage and a D&C in August.

I couldn't believe we were going through this again.  I think the second time around I felt more angry than sad.  Why was this happening?  What was wrong with my body?  What else could I be doing to help get pregnant?  Why did the whole world around me seem to be pregnant?!?!

This second miscarriage also lead to me re-evaluating the whole process.  Are we not meant to have another baby?  Should we stop trying?  Is this a sign from God that my body can't handle a pregnancy?  Or is it just normal, like so many people keep saying?  Should I see a fertility specialist?  Or should I just keep trying and it will happen when its meant to happen?

So to help us grieve, we planned a spontaneous last minute family vacation to Turks and Caicos (that post is coming next).  We wanted to appreciate the family we have, the blessings in our world, and not agonize over getting pregnant and the loss of these babies.  I know that sounds crazy, but the time away gave us perspective and took the edge off.

In the meantime, the doctor ordered a full list of blood work, to take a look at everything going on that may be affecting my pregnancy.  At this stage they are not considering it an "infertility" issue because I had two healthy pregnancies, I am under 35, and its only 2 miscarriages, not 3.

Our current status is this- my blood work came back with a few areas of concern,  One thing specifically is that my cardio lipids are very high, leading to blood clotting.  The doctor suspects the blood clotting is causing the problem, because not enough blood is flowing to the baby to give it the ability to grow.  He also recommended I see a hematologist to help review the blood work and explain whats going on.  I also decided to see a new OB for a second opinion.  I want someone else to see the results, hear my story, and let me know what they think is going on.  I like my OB but he seems very nonchalant about the whole thing.  The new OB appointment is this week, and the hematologist is next week.  So I guess we will see.  Hopefully they can create a plan for us.

We really really want this baby.  As much as I am nervous to get pregnant again, my gut still tells me we are not done.  There is another baby for us.  We will continue this journey, work with the doctors, and pray a whole lot, and I believe whatever is suppose to happen will happen.  My Rainbow baby will be here one day!

When Christmas Doesn't Go as Planned

It's Christmas night, 7:30 pm, and I have enough time to sit down and write a blog post.  Something is wrong with this picture.  After all the planning for a magical Christmas day, I am currently sitting on the couch by myself watching lifetime movies.  This year Christmas did not go as planned.

Apparently even though I shopped months in advance, I got all the best gifts, wrapped them in color coordinated piles for each kid, prepped lots of food, coordinated plans with all of our family... that didn't stop the flu from hitting our house.  Patrick started with the high fever on Tuesday and it has not gone away.  He is miserable and lethargic and is on day 4 of this nasty virus (to the doctor we go tomorrow).  Then just to make things even better, it hit Mike yesterday.  He is out for the count with the same high fever, body aches, and misery.

So this morning Ryan jumped out of bed with excited that it was Christmas morning, but we had to drag Patrick and Mike down to join in the excitement.  Patrick cried through most of present, he had no interest at all, and Mike was barely awake to watch the kids open Santa's surprised before he went back to bed for the rest of the day.

Mid-day I realized that neither Patrick or Mike could attend our family Christmas dinner, and Mike was in no shape to take care of Patrick.... sooooo that meant I had to stay home also to take care of them both.  I didn't want to ruin the day for Ryan, so I sent him up with my parents.

So here I sit, Patrick is in bed, Mike never left bed, and Ryan is out with my family.  I will admit I am a bit lonely, this is definitely not how I pictured Christmas.  I am missing my kids and husband and my cousins and extended family,  BUT I am sipping champagne, enjoying the quiet and thinking about how even though this was not our perfect Christmas, we are still such a fortunate family with so much to be thankful for.

Christmas can be overwhelming and stressful for parents, but that is not the point and life happens anyway.  I am making this a glass half full moment and enjoying whats left of this holiday, and praying that our family is healthy soon so we can enjoy all of Santa's goodies and the plans we have all week.

Anyway- Merry Christmas to all, and hopefully next Christmas we will be able to all celebrate!

Here are a few of the pictures I did manage to get today:

Why I Quit Sleep Training

I am officially a sleep trainer quitter.  Patrick and I have failed.  For those of you who know me, I don't  quit very often.  Normally I am soooo stubborn that I do things just for the sake of completion even if its not the best idea. So hopefully that puts it into perspective.

Here is why I am no longer doing the sleep training and cry it out.

From the day Patrick was born he had a hard time falling and staying asleep.  Its always been his biggest struggle.  When he hit the 6 month mark I realized that I really need to start actively sleep training him in order to try to help him become a better sleeper.  I re-read the books and talked to friends and was ready to go.  I officially started July 12 and the plan was the do the gradual extinction cry it out method, on top of setting up a strict nap and bedtime routine and following a strict schedule.

My own attempts did not work.  He would cry hysterically every single nap and bedtime, he was still taking very short naps, and he was waking very cranky.  I kept hearing that it was "one bad week" or "a few bad nights" but then he would eventually be able to settle himself to sleep and things would get better.  After about 3 weeks of no improvement- actually I think it got worse- I decided to hire someone to help.  All of our lives were revolving around Patrick's schedule and I was starting to feel really bad for him.

So I started working with a sleep consultant on August 10.  She set up a routine for me, and went into more details about the dos and don'ts (longer routine, how exactly to soothe him, dream feeds, etc etc).  Most of what she said I already knew and already tried, but I gave it a shot and did exactly what she told me to do.  It was super hard because by the end that meant letting him cry for a full hour in the middle of the night, which would ultimately end with Ryan also wide awake and all 3 of us sitting up listening to him cry.

Anyway... 3 weeks later... no improvement.  Nothing.  It was now almost a full 2 months and it was awful.  The only time I could get him to nap were the few times we were in the car, or where I would let him sleep in my arms because we needed to be out doing something (aka Seaside Sundays-  I still needed some beach time this summer).  I seriously tried to be home for every nap, I had my mom and mother in law doing the exact same routine... I did it all.  And things just got ugly.

By the beginning of September, he was crying for almost an hour to fall asleep for naps, then only sleeping about 15-20 minutes before waking up again, and he would not go back to sleep.  Then we would repeat the process 2-3 more times throughout the day.  The times he was awake he was cranky... puffy eyed... and would fuss big time if we walked out of the room.  He just wanted to be held and he had to see someone at all times.  He was starting to be extra clingy.  My easy going child was becoming very stressed and cranky.  Not to mention tired!

Bedtime was a little easier to get him settled because he was just so exhausted, but he woke up frequently because he was so restless... almost appeared anxious all night.  Then normally by 4:30 am he was up for the day and I could not get him back to sleep.  The sleep trainer told me not to even go into his room or out of the crib until after 6 am, so most days we sat and listened to him crying from 4:30-6am every day.

And the crying wasn't just baby fussing... it was hysterical, body thrashing, can't breathe, throwing up in the crib crying.  Eventually when he would fall asleep he would try to catch his breath for extended periods of time after.  It was sooooo sad (and scary) to watch.  For those of you reading this that know Patrick from when we are out and about, you probably don't believe it... because this is not the kind of kid he is.  He is happy, peaceful, smiling all the time.  But that's exactly my point, this person at bedtime was not my kid... he became some different monster.

Bottom line- it never got better.  It wasn't a few bad days or weeks, and I didn't see any hope of positive change.  All I saw was a miserable, tired, scared baby.

One day I woke up and something clicked... I couldn't do it any more.  I couldn't listen to my baby cry like that for another minute.  Mike made an excellent point- the most important thing in the world is that our boys are happy and healthy... and when Patrick was crying like that he was neither happy or healthy.  He was stressed, blood pressure raised, struggled breathing, scared, exhausted tired, and it was all for no good reason.  He still wasn't sleeping.

At that moment I knew I was done with cry it out and I was not going to turn back.  Don't get me wrong, that strategy might work for you.  Maybe you have a baby that just needs to break a bad habit and a few bad nights is all it takes.  But 2 f*cking months was wayyyyy to long and I am kind of mad at myself for letting it even go that long.  Every baby is different and has different needs, and my baby needs me to help him settle into a restful sleep.

That brings me up to date... after quitting cry it out, things are actually getting better!

I am still sticking to the routine, have a set nap times, encourage a good nap atmosphere, but I do not let him cry to sleep.  I will bring him into his room, change him, sleep sheep on, close the curtains, read him the same quiet bedtime story... but then instead of laying him down and walking out of the room, I will rock him for a minute or two until he is drowsy and then try to lay him down in his crib.  Some days I can just rub his back and he falls asleep, other days he cries as soon as he lays down and I have to soothe him a little, and some days he really gets upset so I pick him up and rock him to sleep.  Every nap and bedtime is a little bit different.  But the end result, he is always peacefully asleep in his crib within 10 minutes.

The naps are very slowly starting to get longer... they are going from 30 minutes, to 40, to sometimes even 1 hour.  Its not consistent and the 30 minute nap monster still comes up, but many naps are closer to the 45-50 minute mark.  That's a huge improvement.

For bedtime he is now normally alseep by 7:00pm (bedtime routine starts at 6:30) and then sleeps through until sometime around 5-5:30.  I always try to just give him his binky to fall back asleep but that normally doesn't work.  If it doesn't, then I"ll bring him in my room, nurse him, and then we can both dose off a little until Ryan wakes up.  My goal is to keep him in his crib til 6, but I"m not forcing it anymore.  I would rather feed him at 5 and let him lay in bed with me and I dose off for another hour than to have him hysterical in his room and waking all of us up for the day at 5:00.

Another improvement is that if he does wake up over night, he can normally settle himself back to sleep.  If he needs soothing its very little.  He no longer wakes up in total hysterics the way he was when we were doing cry it out.

Anyway, you have to do whats best for your family, and for me cuddling my baby a little longer and helping him get to sleep is a much happier and healthier way of living for all of us.

I hope by the 9 month update that I have much better news.... fingers crossed that one of these days he will be able to drift asleep happy, nap for 1.5 hours, wake up smiling, and sleep til 7am... is that too much to ask ;)