I have to take 15 minutes out of my day to write. It's kind of like my therapy. I feel like I am being pulled in 17 different directions and I am at a breaking point of keeping it all under control. I know I am not happy with a lot of whats going on in my crazy world, I feel like my life is just a bit out of sync... but I am really struggling on how to fix it.
Let me first say that I really truly understand how blessed I am. I know my "problems" and stresses are very "first world problems" as they say these days. After 2.5 years of house shopping craziness we are finally settled into our beautiful new house in a dream neighborhood. I have two very happy, healthy boys, and a very supportive, loving husband. My extended family is amazing and I have best friends that have been by my my side more than half my life. Life is good... very good! But right now, we are in a phase (and have been for about 6 months) where life is messy and the pressure is real and I am having a hard time digging out of this rut.
My job situation is not working- and I don't know how to fix it. My income is dropping yet I feel like I am working more and more each week. My job description at the office is constantly changing and I feel very unsettled there, meanwhile my out of the house business is slowly deteriorating. I am concentrating my efforts on a new direction of the hair business (bridal hair) but I need time and effort and money to build that up before I can start seeing the income benefits. I don't feel like there is anything I am really good at, and I definitely can't answer "what makes you happy" in regards to my work. I'm putting 75% effort into everything and really not growing in any direction.
The greater problem is I need a certain income every month, I am not hitting that number, so I need to work more. If I work more I need more paid daycare, which then takes away from the income number. I could re-build my hair business and work more nights and weekends but now that we are in the new house I don't really have a professional working space.... do we spend the money to build another salon space or spend it building up the bridal hair side of things which doesn't need a salon?? Either way that doesn't help the income issue we are having right this second. Do I find a new job? Go back to work teaching full time? Concentrate more on the office job even though the future is uncertain? All of these questions have been weighing on me every single day for months now.... I keep waiting for the light bulb moment when I finally feel like "hey that can work". Its not happening, and in the mean time its leading to some pretty rough times on the home front. Including sitting in tears on our date night because we were both feeling so overwhelmed and can't seem to make anything work.
On top of that, there is trouble at work and I am being pulled beyond what should be expected to keep the peace. I am trying to get Ryan signed up for a new OT and Speech program. I am trying to spend more quality time with my kids... like significant meaningful moments, not just watch tv and play. I am trying to cook dinner more often to save money on eating out. I want to spend more time with my husband and stop the constant attitude and arguing over the stresses of day to day life. I need more me time to do something that makes me happy. I am missing all of my best friends that live all over the east coast... but barely have enough time to get together with the one that lives 15 minutes away, never mind travel 6-10 hours to see the others. I want to meet new friends that are in similar situations as me, but I just don't even know how to do that. I want to decorate our new house, and plan a vacation for my cousins wedding, I want to sit and blog about Patrick's first birthday and update on all the amazing things the boys are doing these days. For goodness sake, I want to sit and watch a full TV show at night after the kids are sleeping. There simply is not enough time in the day.
My brain is just cluttered.... the to-do list is getting longer. The budget is getting tighter. The work situation is getting more stressful. Quality family time is being sacrificed. I feel super lonely since Mike and I don't seem to be on the same page and most of my mommy friends are all in their own unique situations. It's all just so overwhelming.
How do I find the balance between being a great mom, a great wife, support my family financially, be successful in my career, find time for my passions.... and most importantly be happy (which ultimately will help the whole family be happy)?! If you have the secret... I am sure many of us multitasking moms would like to know!
For now the big step one is getting off social media. I haven't quit cold turkey, but I have realized how much angst it makes me feel. The articles, the posts, the pictures of everyone's seemingly perfect families....It makes me feel like I am not doing enough for my kids, we aren't going to enough fun places, I haven't crafted enough, I haven't gone on a super cool vacation or girls night.... you get the picture. I end up feeling bad about myself and it just adds more pressure to keep up with the Jones'. And most importantly.... its a time killer. So I"m done. I am going to try to re-invest that time and energy into something else.
That's it for now... my heart and emotions wrapped up on a blog post. I know its just a phase... but one I am certainly having a really hard time getting out of.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Friday, January 2, 2015
The food is prepped, the house is clean, the decorations are ready to be put up and the smash cake has been delivered... Must mean one thing- tomorrow is Patrick's first birthday! Man this year flew by. I feel like we have barely had a minute to blink and take it all in. Right before my eyes my little tiny baby has turned into a one year old who likes to spend his time climbing up the stairs over and over again.
I'll update on the party and all the happenings of Patricks monthly update some time this week. But for now I am just a ball of emotions remembering how I felt this time last year. I can remember the snow forecast and making plans for Ryan to sleep at grandmas "just in case" (thank god we made those plans). I remember driving him to the sleep over and starting to get regular contractions and wondering if it was the real thing. I remember walking around Home Depot with Mike, feeling contractions every 5 minutes but still arguing over light fixtures for our kitchen. And I remember the snow starting to stick on the ground and talking to mike and my mom and my doula trying to decide if it was time to get to the hospital.
It was a long labor, a very long labor, and I still say it's the most unbelievable thing I have experienced, but it was also so unbelievably special. Watching the blizzard through the windows, progressing very slowly, having my team (Mike, Mom, Dr. Azu and Nicole) around me the entire 26 hours, and screaming my head off begging for it to be over. And of course, at 5:50pm 1/3 it was finally over and I met my second baby boy. The feeling if relief is like nothing I have ever felt before.
My first impression of Patrick was "wow look at that cone head" hahaha. Seriously it was a crazy cone head. And also that I didn't want him out of my arms. I made the nurses do his check up while I held him, no baths just yet, no visitors please.... I just wanted that special bonding moment with him.
It's been an amazing year full of highs and lows and LOTS of sleepless nights/Napless days (come on kid please sleep better soon!). Being a mom is hard, being a mom of two even harder... It's a rocky journey, but I have loved it all. Can't wait to see what this year holds for us!
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