Right off the bat, this is not a pregnancy announcement! It is actually the opposite, it's the story of how we have been struggling to grow our family. It has been a challenging year plus on this roller coaster ride, and I am ready to get it all off my chest. You never know who will find this post, that may be going through a similar struggle, and find peace in knowing they are not alone.
Almost immediately after Patrick was born, I knew our family wasn't complete. I knew right away we would have another baby. I didn't know when, but that is what I felt in my heart. When he was about 1, I felt we were ready, but Mike and I had an adult only trip to Colorado planned that summer, and I really didn't want to go pregnant. So we decided as soon as the trip was over we would officially start trying. Leading up to that time, I tracked my cycle so I had a pretty good idea how long my cycle was and when I ovulated each month. August 2015 we "pulled the goalie" and started trying for baby 3. With both my past pregnancies, it only took about 3 months, so we were hopeful that we would be pregnant by the Fall.
September- I got my period. October- negative pregnancy test. December- Not yet. And this continued for a few more months. I was trying to stay positive, I know it takes many women a long time to get pregnant. But each month we were disappointed to find out we still were not pregnant. I never even considered after two great pregnancies that it would not come easy again.
In March 2016 we finally got pregnant! I was soooooooo excited! Shocked, relieved, ecstatic! I had a cute little way of surprising Mike with the news, and he was more excited then he has been with the past two pregnancies (he always gets nervous when I am pregnant). I think since we had to work a little harder for this one, made it a little extra special.
Everything seemed to be going well, I had morning sickness, peed all the time, the normal first trimester fatigue... all of my regular early pregnant symptoms. My first doctors appointment was scheduled for when I would be 8 weeks, April 1.
It was at that appointment, during my pregnancy confirmation ultra sound, that we knew something was wrong. The minute the doctor started the scan, I knew there was a problem. I didn't see anything on the screen. Not a sac or spot or anything at all. The doctors face was blank. There was no baby there. But the doctor didn't say that. We immediately started going through all the possibilities. Maybe I was earlier in the pregnancy then we thought, maybe the sac was hidden somewhere in the uterus, maybe we should have a specialist do the scan. That lead to a week of doctors appointments, blood work, and ultra sounds. Long story short, about a week later the doctor confirmed it was a miscarriage. My hormone levels were all great and growing as a normal pregnancy should, but the baby wasn't growing along with it. After some consultation, we decided to do the D&C procedure that week.
Well we were heartbroken. Completely devastated. It was like the rug was pulled out from under us. We were so excited and hopeful and happy to be pregnant, that we immediately got our hopes up. We immediately imaged our family with 3 kids, we immediately planned how we would set up bedrooms, when I would go on maternity leave, how we would tell our families on our Disney vacation, pictured Ryan and Patrick as big brothers. Ryan has been praying every night for a baby, he was going to be so happy. Learning that we were no longer pregnant just ripped that all away. I didn't know how to process the emotions. Especially since physically I still felt pregnant for another couple of weeks. It was a terrible loss, the sadness ran very deep.
The doctor said he didn't see anything wrong, he had no reason to believe something was wrong with my health, and that we were free to start trying once my cycle returned. So we did.
I got my period the end of May, we started trying in June, and I found out I was pregnant again by the end of June! Even though we had just gone through that horrible experience, I didn't really worry it would happen again. Seeing the positive so soon took my breath away. We were happy and excited, this time we would have a health pregnancy. I became an expert at pretending to drink at social events, so no one suspected a thing. I could not wait to finally announce it to the world that we were growing our family.
We scheduled our 8 week appointment, went for our first scan, and got the bad news again. This time we saw the sac trying to grow, the baby got to about 6 weeks before it stopped growing. I did the blood work and scans and appointments just like we did in April. All with the same results. Another miscarriage and a D&C in August.
I couldn't believe we were going through this again. I think the second time around I felt more angry than sad. Why was this happening? What was wrong with my body? What else could I be doing to help get pregnant? Why did the whole world around me seem to be pregnant?!?!
This second miscarriage also lead to me re-evaluating the whole process. Are we not meant to have another baby? Should we stop trying? Is this a sign from God that my body can't handle a pregnancy? Or is it just normal, like so many people keep saying? Should I see a fertility specialist? Or should I just keep trying and it will happen when its meant to happen?
So to help us grieve, we planned a spontaneous last minute family vacation to Turks and Caicos (that post is coming next). We wanted to appreciate the family we have, the blessings in our world, and not agonize over getting pregnant and the loss of these babies. I know that sounds crazy, but the time away gave us perspective and took the edge off.
In the meantime, the doctor ordered a full list of blood work, to take a look at everything going on that may be affecting my pregnancy. At this stage they are not considering it an "infertility" issue because I had two healthy pregnancies, I am under 35, and its only 2 miscarriages, not 3.
Our current status is this- my blood work came back with a few areas of concern, One thing specifically is that my cardio lipids are very high, leading to blood clotting. The doctor suspects the blood clotting is causing the problem, because not enough blood is flowing to the baby to give it the ability to grow. He also recommended I see a hematologist to help review the blood work and explain whats going on. I also decided to see a new OB for a second opinion. I want someone else to see the results, hear my story, and let me know what they think is going on. I like my OB but he seems very nonchalant about the whole thing. The new OB appointment is this week, and the hematologist is next week. So I guess we will see. Hopefully they can create a plan for us.
We really really want this baby. As much as I am nervous to get pregnant again, my gut still tells me we are not done. There is another baby for us. We will continue this journey, work with the doctors, and pray a whole lot, and I believe whatever is suppose to happen will happen. My Rainbow baby will be here one day!