Yay, summer is here! The weather is getting warmer, the pool is open, beach days are planned, and the weekends are filling up fast! Sooo why am I stuck in a rut and filled with anxiety about the upcoming months?!?!
The biggest issue is the time has finally come to start making plans to return to work. June 15th I start with hair clients and then July 7 I return to the office. I pushed it off as long as I could and we didn't win the mega millions (yet, I can still dream right), so I need to figure out the logistics of how to make this work. I never knew before having kids how desperately I would want to be a stay at home mom. I always assumed I would be a career women (and I have plenty of student loans and a variety of degrees to prove it). I didn't image that I would be completely fulfilled, motivated, and overall happy by being a stay at home mom.
Taking care of my boys, the house, my husband... its all hard work and frequently overwhelming, but its the best job I could ever ask for. So just like when Ryan was a baby, the anticipation of going back to work is killing me!
In addition to the actual act of going back to work, I haven't figure it all out yet. I know I have to work 20 hours a week for Dr. Rob, and 2-3 days a week for hair, and I have a certain dollar amount that I have to make each week for us to keep living with our budget (which is already pretty tight). But I have not figured out how to make that happen. I need more hours of child care, but paying for child care just takes away from the money I"m making. The puzzle pieces have not worked themselves out yet. Until I get a game planned laid out, I will continue to panic and wake up in the middle of the night with this feeling of dread. Ugh I hate this part!
On top of the return to work, we are also starting with Ryan's new therapy routine. I found out today that Tuesdays, which use to be a day off to spend with the boys, will now be filled with speech and occupational therapy. We will be at Children's Specialized Hospital from 9-10am, come home for lunch and nap, and then go back from 4-5pm. I am still waiting to schedule one more hour of therapy at another time during the week. That will be our routine for June-August and then we will re-evaluate at the end of the summer. I know, I know....this may be confusing because I still have not written the post about Ryan's new diagnosis. It's coming, I promise! I need to write it all out soon, just to help get it off my chest.
And another twist to this summer, it appears that two of my best friends will both be moving out of the state of New Jersey this summer (one definitely, Jackie leaves for good in like 2 weeks- and the other, Kelly, is very probable). This is kind of breaking my heart. These girls are 2 of my high school BFF's that have been with me through everything the last 15 years. Their husbands are now Mike's best buds and their kids are Ryan's best buds.... these are our go to people for everything- play dates, football Sundays, date nights, girls nights, vacations etc. etc. I know that them moving far away isn't the end of our friendships. Like I said they are my very best friends, distance isn't going to end that. But it sure will change things. I'm so happy for them, because I know how happy they are, but I am sad for me and my family. Now Kelli and Heather- You guys better not go anywhere!!!
So between going back to work, finding a new more hectic routine, dealing with Ryan's appointments and extra needs, my friends moving away, and oh yea- I have a new baby to take care of... this summer feels like kind of a bummer. I"m really trying to stay focused on the positive, the fun things we have planned, but its hard right now. Lots of prayers and positive thoughts and hopefully the anxiety will eventually melt away.